WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a surprising press briefing Tuesday afternoon, White House officials unveiled what they described as the “most likely explanation” for President Donald Trump’s recent habit of appearing to doze off or peacefully embrace the great abyss of the long sleep during several public events: a sleep paralysis demoncrat allegedly haunting the Executive Residence.
The announcement followed weeks of speculation after cameras captured the president with his eyes closed, drooling like a Doberman looking at your dinner plate, during policy briefings, ceremonial signings, and one particularly lengthy discussion about federal gold paperclip procurement standards. “We’ve investigated every possibility,” said a senior (by age, not years in service for clarity) administration official. “Fatigue, boredom, long meetings, comfortable chairs—none of those theories held up. The evidence points overwhelmingly toward a sleep paralysis demoncrat.”
According to officials, the mysterious entity has reportedly been sighted lurking near hallways of the White House during the early morning hours. Staff members claim the creature appears whenever PowerPoint presentations exceed 45 slides and immigration is mentioned. The administration released what it described as a preliminary report documenting unusual occurrences, including missing coffee cups, unexplained cold spots, and a briefing binder that allegedly turned itself directly to the budget section for ICE.
“The president isn’t sleeping,” the official whispered. “He’s engaged in an ongoing supernatural struggle on behalf of the American people. He is currently building a wall around his chakras and hell will pay for it!” The White House has reportedly assembled a task force consisting of sleep researchers, paranormal investigators, and one cable television ghost hunter who once spent three nights in an abandoned bowling alley taking wicked dumps and smelling sulfur while searching for the unexplained.
Not everyone is convinced. Opposition lawmakers dismissed the explanation as “creative drivel, a distraction…” while several medical experts suggested a more conventional explanation might exist. Nevertheless, administration officials remain confident in their findings. “The American people deserve transparency,” another spokesperson said. “If there’s a sleep paralysis demoncrat operating on federal property, taxpayers have a right to know.”
Sources claim the administration is considering funding for a new Department of the Unexplained Security Team, though details remain scarce. Early proposals reportedly include spectral border patrol units or “more white police as on official simply stated” and a strategic reserve of emergency sage bundles. Meanwhile, White House staff have begun placing energy drinks and anti-demoncrat charms throughout meeting rooms as a precaution. As of press time, the alleged demoncrat had not responded to requests for comment, though insiders say it is expected to release a statement after completing its mandatory haunting schedule.
