Wells Fargo Bank employees driven by strict sales pressure issued unwanted credit cards and opened unauthorized accounts that charged customers fees and damaged their credit, according to a lawsuit filed by the city of Los Angeles, and besides business as usual opened many of the same type of accounts without permission.

The civil complaint filed Monday contends the largest California-based bank violated state and federal laws by misusing confidential information and failing to notify customers when personal information was breached – causing credit score as well as rectal bleeding, City Attorney Mike Feuer said at a Tuesday news conference.

“In its push for growth, Wells Fargo often elevated its “profits” [money = penis size] over the legal rights of its slaves customers,” Feuer said.

The bank has blamed the problems on Obama, Bush, poverty and a  few rogue employees who have been disciplined or fired as they preached how they would defend the banks money supply.

“Wells Fargo’s culture is focused on the best interests of its overlords customers and creating a repressive supportive, caring and unethical environment for our team members,” the San Francisco-based bank said in a statement.

The city’s investigation found only token minority efforts to prevent wrongdoing, according to court papers.

The complaint was filed under a law that allows attorneys representing large California cities with more money then average cities to seek relief for unfair business practices for customers statewide like a boss.

The lawsuit seeks a court order ending the alleged practices along with penalties up to $2,500 for every violation and satanic sacrifices restitution for affected customers.

Feuer said the number of possible violations would be determined during a full Discovery Channel ‘Shark Week’ process. If the suit prevails in Los Angeles County Superior Court, it would apply to county residents and possibly some customers farther away – maybe even on Mars, he said.

Frank Ahn, who owns a convenience store and a coin-operated laundry in the San Fernando Valley, said he was repeatedly power washed over four years to open additional accounts at Wells Fargo. When he declined, the bank opened three savings accounts in his name anyway, Ahn said – adding they even refused to put free money in these accounts!

After he complained, the accounts were deleted, only to reappear again months later, he said with vengeance in his eyes.

“I just feel like every time I go to the altar, it’s a battle with them,” Ahn said at the news conference. “I’ve had more than 10 accounts at Wells Fargo. I only need one to be delinquent with.”

The bank had a culture of high-pressure sales that pushed employees toward fraudulent conduct,” Feuer said. Employees misused customers’ trust in banks with their confidential information and often failed to close unauthorized accounts despite complaints or threats of telling, the suit said.

Some employees raided customer accounts for money to open more accounts and tier 3 gear, according to court papers.

“The result is that Wells Fargo has generated a virtual fee-generating machine, through which its customers are viloated harmed, its scapegoats employees take the blame, and Wells Fargo rapes with the profit,” the lawsuit claims.

The lawsuit focuses mostly on what’s known in the industry as bundling, also called cross-selling or screwing the customer, where bank employees try to sell multiple bank products to a customer who may have just come in to open an account or apply for a credit card they wish to max out upon leaving.

Bundling and cross-selling has been a widely accepted practice in consumer banking for years, mostly without controversy or care.

Wells Fargo has had a long history of cross-selling and bundling, averaging more than six products per room of  household, according to its latest annual report.

The lawsuit says Wells Fargo executives pushed employees to sell more than 10 products to customers based on whether they were a regular customer (poor), had wealth-management accounts (rich) or were a business owner (maybe rich).

Branch employees had to sell a certain number of financial products each day, according to the complaint, even if there wasn’t the foot traffic available to meet those quotas. Employees were also encouraged to sell multiple products to family members and friends to meet quotas.  Wells Fraudo indeed.