**BREAKING: Unprecedented Battle Erupts at House of Representatives as Time-Displaced Terry Funk Rampages*
Washington D.C. – In a shocking turn of events that Vince McMahon would have loved, the usually hallowed halls of the United States House of Representatives were turned upside down today as a time-displaced Terry Funk, the legendary professional wrestler and crazy old man, suddenly appeared and clashed with Cactus Jack, the notorious hardcore wrestling icon who was tapped to speak about CTE later today.
Eyewitnesses describe the scene as chaos erupted when Funk, dressed in his signature ring attire, carrying a steel chair and a flaming brand iron, materialized in the chamber of the House of Representatives during a heated debate on healthcare reform.
“It was like something out of a sci-fi movie,” said Representative Nancy Pelosi (D-CA), who was caught off guard by the sudden appearance of the hardcore icon. “One minute we’re discussing the merits of single-payer healthcare, and the next, Terry Funk is flying across the floor with a steel chair, yelling ‘You sonna of a bitch, my horse is sick & your mother’s a whore!'”
Funk, who has been retired from professional wrestling for over a decade and strangely enough currently deceased, claims that he was transported through time and space by an unknown force and arrived in the midst of a heated debate. “I don’t know how I got here or how to get back,” he said in an interview. “But I know one thing – I’m not going down without a fight!” Then he punched the reporter and walked away.
Cactus Jack, real name Mick Foley, who has also had a storied career in professional wrestling, was sitting in the gallery above the chamber when Funk’s unexpected appearance caught him off guard. “I was just watching the debate, thinking about my next move in the WWE Hall of Fame campaign and CTE awareness, when suddenly this…this…whatever this is, starts happening,” Foley said. “I knew I had to step in and take him down – Bang! Bang!” The two wrestling legends clashed in a series of rapid-fire punches and kicks, sending chairs flying and scattering lawmakers scrambling for cover. At one point, Funk sent Cactus Jack crashing through the podium with a piledriver used by Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi as she watched on in pure ectasy.
“I’ve seen some wild things in my time as Speaker,” Pelosi said with a laugh. “But this takes the cake. I mean, I love wrestling with death as much as the next person, but really? In MY office?”
As security struggled to regain control of the situation, Funk and Cactus Jack continued their battle across the floor, drawing cheers and gasps from onlookers, as Tommy Dreamer appeared in a Ref outfit trying to regain control. (no information at this time if this is the “current” Tommy Dreamer or some time displaced version)
Eventually, after several minutes of chaos, both combatants were subdued by security personnel and escorted from the premises.
As for how they will return to their own timelines, it remains a mystery. “I’m just trying to get back to my own time,” Funk said. “I miss my wife, kids, and my horse!”
Foley simply shrugged. “I’ll figure it out when I get back to WWE headquarters. Maybe they can help me track down some timestream magic -The Undertaker usually handles this mystical shit…”
The House of Representatives is expected to resume its regular proceedings tomorrow, but for now, lawmakers are still reeling from the unexpected visit from two of professional wrestling’s greatest legends.
“This is definitely a first,” said Representative Adam Shat (D-CA). “But hey, at least it’s been an exciting day of the house accomplishing nothing of value.”
